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A Different Perspective on Out of Control Sexual Behavior

A Different Perspective on Out of Control Sexual Behavior

I have just come back from Chicago, where I presented my latest research at the Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) Annual Conference. In the next few posts, I will point out a few key ideas that I took away from some of the other presentations, which were uniformly excellent. In particular, and that which is the subject of this particular article, I am going to focus on what I consider to be the groundbreaking work of clinicians Doug Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigorito and their approach to “out of control sexual behavior” or (OCSB). OCSB? What is that? Well, you may recognize this concept as “sex addiction,” which in my view is a problematic term that I’ve critiqued both here and here. So, the first thing to understand about these two guys is that they are working with the same sets of behaviors as sex addiction counselors, but without the addiction lens. Why is this so significant? Let’s take a look.

One of the most salient concepts from their talk is the central importance of therapist self-awareness. In other words, especially in the field of sexuality, it is very easy for any clinician to get carried away with one’s own prejudices and biases, which of course will inevitably interfere with treatment, often likely even causing great harm. This kind of bias may lead to a “premature evaluation”, in which a pre-established label (such as sex addict) is automatically assumed and foisted onto the client, stigmatizing him (and it’s often a “him”) for life. Braun-Harvey and Vigorito urge us to never assume etiology, instead approaching each client as […]

By Michael Aaron|April 20th, 2016|Couples Therapy, Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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How Fluid is Sexuality?

How Fluid is Sexuality?

How fluid is sexuality? This is a question I often hear both from clients and from my peers. In my upcoming book, I argue that much of sexuality is either inborn, or influenced by innate factors. However, that doesn’t mean sexual expression is fixed or static. After all, as we all have heard, much of human behavior comes down to a mix of “nature” vs “nurture.” Rather, even the fluidity itself I believe is influenced by as many genetic as social factors. Let me explain further.

There is an expression I like to use– you can have ten different people in a room engaging in the same exact behavior, but for ten different reasons. Where we often go awry is making judgments or conclusions based solely on external markers, in this case behaviors. But, as I’ve written about before, when it comes to sexuality, it’s all about intent. And we have no idea what that intent really is comprised of without having a greater understanding of the inner workings of that particular individual’s mind.

Let’s take same-sex behavior as an example. Psychiatrist Fritz Klein created what is called the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, which divides orientation into seven distinct categories– Attraction, Behavior, Fantasies, Emotional Preference, Social Preference, Lifestyle, and Self-Identification. Those are a lot of categories! In other words, according to Klein, someone, let’s say in this case a man, may have a sexual attraction to a man, but only feel an emotional preference for women. Or that man may find a deep emotional connection with other men, but not find any desire for sexual interaction. […]

By Michael Aaron|March 31st, 2016|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Book Review– The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss

Book Review– The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss

This review is a preview of a more formal review which will appear a few months from now in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. I will start by putting this book into context and then I will address the content before going into other aspects of the book, such as structure, quality of writing, etc. The author, Neil Strauss is a Rolling Stone Magazine journalist, and known for co-authoring books by rock stars such as Marilyn Manson, Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction, and Motley Crue. These names will all be familiar to those who were into rock music in the late 80s through the 90s. He then came to more prominence by documenting his rise from a journalist nerd who couldn’t “score” even when traveling with rock stars to a guy who learned to “pick up” women in the The Game. The Truth is marketed as a sequel in which this ladies’ man is now trying to learn how to maintain a great relationship now that he can find willing partners to form one. I happened to get my hands on a copy after a social media discussion I had with the author, in which I stated I was willing to provide an honest review in exchange for a copy of the book.

While The Game has received criticism for its portrayal of attitudes towards women within the “seduction community”, as it is called, I found The Truth to have more broad appeal to a variety of different groups. Off the top of my head, the following individuals would probably find at least something of interest within this book: Individuals who are […]

By Michael Aaron|March 11th, 2016|Couples Therapy, Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Research Study: How Does BDSM Differ From Self-Harming Behavior?

Research Study: How Does BDSM Differ From Self-Harming Behavior?

As some of my readers may know, in addition to my work as a therapist, and writer, I also conduct research in the field of sexuality. It is important for my work to be well-rounded, as both my work with clients and my writing is reflective of and informed by current research within both psychology and sexuality.

With this in mind, I have put together a high-level research team to investigate areas of sexuality that continue to remain question marks within the field and that may fall within the blind spots of clinicians when they come across clients that they may not accurately or clearly understand.

In this particular study, my team and I are investigating the murky area of BDSM, specifically intense sensation play, such as spanking, flogging, and whipping, etc, which is a common activity within the BDSM community.

I have written much on the topic of BDSM/kink/fetishes since it is so poorly understood and often unfairly pathologized by well-meaning, but misinformed clinicians, as well as the public at large. For some further reading and additional context, you can take a look at these other articles I have written on this subject:

Kinky Sex or Paraphilia?
Facing Your Shadow
Ecstasy Through Surrender
The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration
Sexually “Deviant” Fantasies: A Concept Without Credibility
New Study: “Unusual” Sexual Fantasies Not So Unusual
Is It Possible to Eradicate a Fetish?
More on Working with Fetishes: Important Considerations
BDSM or Abuse?
Vice.com: Cash Slaves
Gray Areas in Sexuality: When is a Fetish “Too Extreme?”

I’ve written much more on this topic, but this will give you enough material for a little while! Hopefully these items will be a good resource to […]

By Michael Aaron|February 23rd, 2016|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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What the Buddha Had to Say About Love (and What That Means for Sexuality)

What the Buddha Had to Say About Love (and What That Means for Sexuality)

In a previous article, I brought up a broad overview of Buddhist psychology and its implications for understanding sexuality. In this article, I want to expand on that a little bit more and talk about some more specific ideas that the Buddha taught. Specifically, I’ll be drilling down to focus on four key concepts (what the Buddha called the “four qualities of love”) which lay at the heart of the Buddha’s teachings, and that also hold specific implications to modern sexuality.

Let’s begin. The first quality is called metta- translated as loving kindness. And by this we mean actions, not just thoughts and feelings. The thought that comes to my mind about acting towards others in a manner of loving kindness, specifically when it comes to sexuality, is the importance of consent. Indeed, as I’ve written about before, what often separates sexual “deviance” from just simply kinky non-normative sexuality is consent, or lack thereof. This is a very trick and thorny issue because consent is often quite complex. Unfortunately, in most relationships, the issue of consent is never adequately addressed or discussed in matters of sex, or otherwise. Great sex, however, requires the trust that comes from a direct discussion of defining what is consensual and what is not. Terrible sex, on the other hand, often involves no discussion, no negotiation, and just either carrying one’s desires in secrecy or acting out on them non-consensually.
Next is karuna- translated as compassion. And not just compassion for others, but also compassion for oneself. As I’ve written about here and here, self-compassion is one of the hardest lessons to learn when it […]

By Michael Aaron|February 10th, 2016|Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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An Ode to Hedonism

An Ode to Hedonism

An ode to hedonism? What?!? That might seem like an unusual posting coming from a therapist, particularly in a field which usually pathologizes behavior we might consider to be too extreme. Too commonly, when we think of the word “hedonism,” we conjure up images more akin to a similar, yet different word, “debauchery,” symbolic of sexual, alcoholic, or drug excess. In other words, being out of control, unbalanced, and again, just too extreme. But when you look at the dictionary definition for hedonism, the first thing that comes up is simply, “the pursuit of pleasure,” and with no further commentary on how unbalanced or extreme that pleasure is experienced.

It is this more pure definition of hedonism, as simply meaning “pleasure” that I would now like to focus on, because far often than not, unhappiness, depression, anxiety, and sexual difficulties are more correlated with too little pleasure, rather than too much. For, far too often, when we are stuck on a negative cycle, we lose all perspective and only notice the negative. The things that trouble us, that worry us, that cause us pain and anxiety. And that negative cycle continues unabated in part precisely because we lose sight of the other areas of life that bring us pleasure.

Look at it this way. Imagine a magnet, it has two poles, one negative, the other positive. That negative pole symbolizes all the things that cause us pain. These are the things we seek to avoid. The positive pole on the other hand symbolizes all that which provides us pleasure, these are the things that we strive […]

By Michael Aaron|January 24th, 2016|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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The Intersection of Buddhist Psychology and Sexuality

The Intersection of Buddhist Psychology and Sexuality

I have written much about mindfulness practices and sexuality here in this blog, but I would like to expand a bit more on it to also include a discussion of a broader Buddhist psychological perspective on sexuality, especially as it has so much to offer on the subject. Before I begin though, I would like to point out that by discussing Buddhism, I am approaching it more from a philosophical and psychological perspective rather than as anything spiritual or religious. My viewpoints here are purely secular, and in no way am I endorsing any specific religious or spiritual viewpoint or way of life. Indeed, Buddha himself (who was a real person) did not view his teachings as spiritual, but rather a middle ground between purely idealistic and materialistic viewpoints.

Anyway, let’s get on with it, and take a look at one of the first major points, which is that in Buddhism, there exists no concept of sin. Sure, there are various precepts of proper behavior, and the eight-fold path encompasses such elements as “right speech,” “right action,” “and right intention,” but these principles are meant to be contextual and much different from our Western views of what constitutes “sin.” In Buddhist thought, there is the concept of determining what is the right action or speech for the specific situation at hand. These are considered matters of wisdom and self-development, rather than some rigid notions of good and evil. Why this is important is that, in Buddhist psychology, there is no concept of evil thoughts or evil behaviors, there are simply right thoughts and right behaviors. A thought […]

By Michael Aaron|January 13th, 2016|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Book Finished and Other News

Book Finished and Other News

I was in the middle of writing another post, this time about the intersection of Buddhist psychology and sexuality, but then I figured, you know it’s the holidays and the end of the year, I got so much other news to share, so why not save it for the New Year. So, with that thought process in mind, I’ve decided to hold back on that post and others, and instead share it with you in the coming months. In the meanwhile, there’s a ton other stuff going on, so let’s try to prioritize for a moment, and start at the top.

First, I’m finally finished with my book! Well, at least the first draft. But my editor has already gotten back to me with her comments on the first half of the book, all with mostly positive feedback, so I think it’s safe to say we’re coming down the home stretch. I still think we have a few rounds of technical edits and then picking out the cover and title, etc., but the main ideas are there, the chapters with the possibility of some tweaks are on the page in black and white. Looks like we are headed to a late 2016 launch, so I’ll keep everyone posted. Be sure to sign up for the mailing list on the right sidebar to keep updated about the book’s release date.

Next, I’m putting together a conference on alternative sexuality, the first of its kind in NYC, with my colleague therapist Dulcinea Pitagora on April 22, 2016. Here’s a quick rundown of the sessions below and if you’re interested in […]

By Michael Aaron|December 20th, 2015|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Sexuality and Radical Self-Acceptance

Sexuality and Radical Self-Acceptance

In an earlier post, I discussed the importance of self-compassion, and as I progress further in my work, I become more and more certain that it is the cultivation of compassion, rather than the absence of painful emotions and anxiety, that is the hallmark of mental health. I want to expand a bit more on that here, as one integral aspect of compassion towards oneself is self-acceptance. In fact, I’m describing a self-acceptance so complete and pervasive that I call it a radical self-acceptance. What do I mean by this, and what does this have to do with sexuality?

In brief, let me first state before diving deeper, that our culture, at least when it comes to sexuality (and I would extend it further than that) is a shame-based culture. I have much more to say about that in my upcoming book (be sure to subscribe below to the blog or in the sidebar to the newsletter to stay updated on its release), but for now, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that a country has a sexually shame-based culture when same sex marriage was only nationally legalized a few months ago and people still have their children taken away in custody proceedings due to the nature of their sexuality. My colleague, Joe Kort, has written about the institutional trauma of growing up gay in this country; I would also add that there is an institutional trauma of growing up anything beyond normative and “vanilla.”

Unfortunately, the mental health field, while providing support and relief for millions of people, has also carried within its […]

By Michael Aaron|December 2nd, 2015|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Undoing the Effects of Sexual Trauma

Undoing the Effects of Sexual Trauma

Perhaps no form of personal trauma is as painful and nefarious in its impact as sexual trauma. I have written extensively on this topic before, and my research in the area of impact of childhood sexual trauma on adult sexuality has won an award and been published in a peer reviewed academic journal. For those interested, you can read the journal article here- Pathways.

In my work with adult survivors of sexual trauma, I invariably encounter a cluster of difficulties that must be worked through. Specifically, the trauma is often internalized, which means that the affected individual may often place blame on themselves or make generalized assumptions about their own sexuality or identity. A boy, for example who has been assaulted may question his own orientation, wondering what made him vulnerable to attack. Of course, orientation never has anything to do with it, as violent hands-on sexual offenses are an indicator of sociopathy, which is marked by a lack of empathy and remorse. Or the survivor may often develop a phobia of sex, and a negative body image to boot.

It’s this phobia, this specific fear response that I want to focus in on in this article. After working with countless trauma survivors, I have found that at the root of their sexual difficulties, which may run the gamut from performance difficulties to pain syndromes to the inability to experience pleasure, is that an automatic fear response has become associated with their natural sexual response. In other words, fear and arousal become co-mingled. And as a result, one of our most important tasks is to create some separation […]

By Michael Aaron|November 18th, 2015|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments