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Narcissism and Sexuality

Narcissism and Sexuality

Note: The following article is meant to examine the ways in which powerful negative emotions can combine to form certain personality traits and how that can impact sexuality. It is not meant to pathologize or demonize anyone who struggles with any of these difficulties, but merely to illustrate how problematic emotions can create chronic relational and sexual disturbances. As a therapist, I always take a strengths-based approach, and focus on how the individual can resolve their difficult emotions, rather than what is wrong with them.

Previously, I wrote about borderline personality disorder and sexuality. In this post, I will focus on narcissism. In many ways, narcissism is the jigsaw puzzle piece that is the perfect fit for the borderline. There are many reasons for this. The narcissist is often self-preoccupied and unavailable, which does not set off the borderline’s abandonment fears because the relationship feels like it will never get close enough for the borderline to truly be hurt. While the borderline tends to be more anxious/ambivalent in her attachment style, the narcissist is more avoidant, and it is this avoidancy that feels safe to the borderline. For more on attachment styles take a look here.

As in the case of borderline, there are nine distinct criteria in the DSM for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), including grandiosity, exploitativeness, envy, and lack of empathy towards others. Again, rather than focus on diagnostic criteria, I’m going to take a look at the core emotions that the narcissist struggles with. While the borderline is consumed with fear of abandonment, the narcissist is primarily motivated by a strong sense of internal […]

By Michael Aaron|June 2nd, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|6 Comments

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Borderline Personality and Sexuality

Borderline Personality and Sexuality

In previous articles, I described how emotions impact and wreak havoc on sexual expression. In the next series of articles, I will go into a little bit greater detail on how these various emotions can come together into very specific and defined characterological patterns and how these personality types can come through sexually. In this particular piece, I will focus on the borderline personality (BPD).

Borderline personality is marked by intense emotional swings, a distinct pattern of relational volatility, splitting behavior (which means seeing someone as either all good or all evil), and an absolute inability to take any responsibility for or have any insight into one’s behavior. The DSM lists nine distinct criteria, of which someone needs qualify for at least five in order to be diagnosed with BPD. I don’t adhere very closely to a purely medically diagnostic model, so rather than get lost in psychiatric diagnoses, I want to focus instead on what emotions someone who is borderline struggles with and how these get played out in the treatment room as well as in interpersonal relationship and sexual expression.

First and foremost, […]

By Michael Aaron|May 23rd, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|6 Comments

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The Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality

The Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality

One of the subjects that I have spoken on extensively on over the last few years is the topic of attachment. By attachment, I am referring to the style of interpersonal relating that we have learned and internalized from childhood experiences. According to decades of research, started by psychoanalyst John Bowlby and extended by Mary Ainsworth, among many others, psychologists have identified four main types of attachment styles- secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. The secure attachment style, prevalent in 65% of the population is marked by emotional stability and a childhood featuring stable and nurturing caregiving. Anxious/ambivalent attachment is characterized by obsessive preoccupations about the object of the intimate relationship and intense fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style typically have experienced inconsistent caregiving, and so have grown to feel unsafe in the stability of close relationships. Avoidant attachment is marked by the avoidance of intimacy, as well as of experiencing feeling and emotions. These folks have typically experienced more neglectful caregiving as kids. I will put aside the disorganized attachment for the moment, as it is not very common, and is typically a byproduct of more severe abuse.

At this point, I want to make an important note about what I mean by “intimacy.” I think sometimes folks get caught up in some kind of a rigid idea about what intimacy means, one that is cooked up in harlequin romance books, soap operas, and Hollywood Happy Endings. This involves the kind of romantic closeness, actually known as partner engagement, which involves the typical aspects of what we would all consider as deep and meaningful love making– the pillow talk, […]

By Michael Aaron|April 24th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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When Love and Lust are Split

When Love and Lust are Split

One of the most common concerns I come across as a therapist is in the difficulty many people experience in reconciling relationships (love) with sexuality (lust). Indeed, I would say that almost all sexual difficulties exist within the framework of relationships. Very few would seek out help if their sexual difficulty were not interfering with some aspect of an existing relationship or in the possibility of starting a new one. Whether is is dysfunction, compulsivity, or just an inability to get one’s needs met, all sexual issues become magnified under the microscope of romantic relationships.

Often, core emotions interfere with integrating one’s sexuality into the relationship. For example, fear or shame often prevents an individual from not only directly stating his or her needs and desires in the moment but may even lead to starting up a relationship under false pretenses. I’ve seen countless individuals trapped in an unfulfilling and unhappy life of their own doing because they were too ashamed to be open about their sexuality with their partners from the very beginning.

Sometimes the sexual desire is so shameful, that the individual has learned to compartmentalize it and only experience it in secrecy. As a result, that person splits the sexual desire from any emotions that are connected to other people and relationships. It is only safe to be enjoyed alone or with another individual from whom all emotional attachment is removed. In other words, the individual’s sexuality (lust) can only be shared with an objectified other. And never with a person with whom that individual has an emotional connection.

The famed sexologist Jack Morin […]

By Michael Aaron|April 7th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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What Role Does Anger Play in Sexual Dysfunctions?

What Role Does Anger Play in Sexual Dysfunctions?

Sexual dysfunction– whether an inability to achieve erection, premature ejaculation, pain or discomfort– afflicts millions of people around the world. Recent data suggests that about 30 million men in the US suffer with erectile dysfunction (ED), for example, and one in four of them are below the age of 40. While older guys are more likely to have some physical ailment, such as a cardiovascular condition, primarily contribute to the ED, for a large number of men, especially the younger guys, the ED stems primarily from a psychological and emotional issue. In my practice, I mainly see the younger guys struggling with ED, and for them, drugs such as Viagra and Cialis, while a miracle cure for older guys with health issues, do very little to solve their difficulties.

For the purpose of this article, I’m going to focus on ED, although the basic principles would apply for all the other kinds of sexual dysfunctions that people may experience. When we take a closer look at psychological or emotional issues, such obvious ones as anxiety and fear come to mind as likely contributors. Clearly, someone who is anxious about their performance and fearful of a shameful experience if the sex act doesn’t go well, is more likely to struggle with ED symptoms. But I would like to take a closer look at another problematic emotion that often gets overlooked– anger. Folks who regularly read this blog may recall a previous post where I detailed how anger (and its intense cousin, rage) can wreak havoc on the body. In this particular article, I would like the […]

By Michael Aaron|February 24th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment