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Book Review– The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss

Book Review– The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships by Neil Strauss

This review is a preview of a more formal review which will appear a few months from now in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. I will start by putting this book into context and then I will address the content before going into other aspects of the book, such as structure, quality of writing, etc. The author, Neil Strauss is a Rolling Stone Magazine journalist, and known for co-authoring books by rock stars such as Marilyn Manson, Dave Navarro from Jane’s Addiction, and Motley Crue. These names will all be familiar to those who were into rock music in the late 80s through the 90s. He then came to more prominence by documenting his rise from a journalist nerd who couldn’t “score” even when traveling with rock stars to a guy who learned to “pick up” women in the The Game. The Truth is marketed as a sequel in which this ladies’ man is now trying to learn how to maintain a great relationship now that he can find willing partners to form one. I happened to get my hands on a copy after a social media discussion I had with the author, in which I stated I was willing to provide an honest review in exchange for a copy of the book.

While The Game has received criticism for its portrayal of attitudes towards women within the “seduction community”, as it is called, I found The Truth to have more broad appeal to a variety of different groups. Off the top of my head, the following individuals would probably find at least something of interest within this book: Individuals who are […]

By Michael Aaron|March 11th, 2016|Couples Therapy, Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Sexuality and Radical Self-Acceptance

Sexuality and Radical Self-Acceptance

In an earlier post, I discussed the importance of self-compassion, and as I progress further in my work, I become more and more certain that it is the cultivation of compassion, rather than the absence of painful emotions and anxiety, that is the hallmark of mental health. I want to expand a bit more on that here, as one integral aspect of compassion towards oneself is self-acceptance. In fact, I’m describing a self-acceptance so complete and pervasive that I call it a radical self-acceptance. What do I mean by this, and what does this have to do with sexuality?

In brief, let me first state before diving deeper, that our culture, at least when it comes to sexuality (and I would extend it further than that) is a shame-based culture. I have much more to say about that in my upcoming book (be sure to subscribe below to the blog or in the sidebar to the newsletter to stay updated on its release), but for now, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that a country has a sexually shame-based culture when same sex marriage was only nationally legalized a few months ago and people still have their children taken away in custody proceedings due to the nature of their sexuality. My colleague, Joe Kort, has written about the institutional trauma of growing up gay in this country; I would also add that there is an institutional trauma of growing up anything beyond normative and “vanilla.”

Unfortunately, the mental health field, while providing support and relief for millions of people, has also carried within its […]

By Michael Aaron|December 2nd, 2015|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Book Review– Sex Addiction: A Critical History

Book Review– Sex Addiction: A Critical History

On the heels of the controversial Myth of Sex Addiction comes a new just released book entitled Sex Addiction: A Critical History by Reay, Attwood and Gooder. My colleague, Dr. David Ley, a therapist and author of several book including Insatiable Wives and the aforementioned The Myth of Sex Addiction had an extra copy laying about and I said I would be happy to receive it in exchange for an honest review of the book. Putting that piece of full disclosure out of the way, I should also mention that this is a version of a fuller review I have written that will appear in an upcoming issue of the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, in which I have a standing outlet for book reviews. On to the review.

For those unfamiliar with the sex addiction debate, this book is as thorough of an introduction and analysis of the key concepts as one could find anywhere. Even for those like myself, who is up on the latest in sex research, reads all the journals and is keyed in to dialogue with all of the thought leaders, there is still a significant amount of new information to be learned. Typically, when reading a new sexological book, I find myself thoroughly reading the first few chapters and then skimming the rest because either I already know most of what is being presented or the rest of the book simply repeats the ideas from the beginning but in a variety of different ways. Not the case here. The book is strong from beginning to end, and is as much a referendum on our […]

By Michael Aaron|August 26th, 2015|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Overcoming Sexual Shame

Overcoming Sexual Shame

One of the main topics covered in my upcoming book, due sometime later next year, is the shaming effect that society has on our innate sexual selves and what we can do about it. It’s definitely not an easy subject to tackle because both sexuality and shame are extremely complex and cut right to the core of our identities. Save perhaps for urban millennials, who appear to be more sexually open than any other generation in history; it is the rare individual who has been able to escape the ill effects of the social repression of sexuality completely.

For many folks, shame may feel so pervasive that they don’t even realize how much shame they experience; they don’t have anything to compare it to. It may only come out after many years of a committed relationship, where sexual boredom and complacency demand creativity and thinking outside the box. For others, shame is so deeply felt that they enter relationships hiding their true sexual desires, fearing that they will be rejected for who they are. Some of them may believe that they are sex addicts and usually have no difficulty finding someone who will treat them from a pathology lens.

The first thing I want to do when I work with a new client is make it clear that there is no shame or judgment in my office. I’ve heard it all and there is nothing that will shock or disgust me. The books on my shelves range in topic from homosexuality to sadomasochism and I don’t hide them, I put them in full view. The implication is that […]

By Michael Aaron|July 13th, 2015|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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An End to Conversion Therapy?

An End to Conversion Therapy?

President Obama made news this week when he made a statement, posted on the whitehouse.gov website, calling for the end of conversion therapies aimed at gay and trans* youth. Numerous news sites reported that, in making the statement, he had been moved by the December suicide of a 17-year old trans* youth named Leelah Alcorn, who had been subjected to conversion efforts by religious therapists. A petition to ban conversion therapy, begun in her honor, has already received over 120,000 signatures.

Those are some of the bare facts, but as is usually the case, by the time someone high up like the president gets around to an issue, it’s already been building steam for a while. States such as California and New Jersey, as well as Washington DC have already banned conversion therapy aimed at youth, and I believe this is just the beginning of further state legislation. In making these decisions, the courts have pointed to the complete lack of empirical, scientific evidence for the efficacy of these so-called therapies as well as the catastrophic potential harm that they can cause.

In my mind, therapies such as conversion therapy and it’s close cousin, reparative therapy are nothing more than formalized ways of exploiting shame, under the cloak of professionalism and authority. They reach out to potential clients (victims?) by appealing to their pain points of shame that is based around their sexuality and then proceed to intensify the shame by trying to eradicate the sexual thoughts, fantasies or behaviors. So what you have here is an individual who is already scarred by shame, and then retraumatized over and […]

By Michael Aaron|April 9th, 2015|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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What is Harm Reduction?

What is Harm Reduction?

Last post I discussed some ideas around self exploration and peak experiences that strongly resonate with me. In this post, I’m going to address another issue which is just as equally important to me– harm reduction. What is harm reduction and what application does it have for sexuality in general and sex therapy in particular?
First, let me say that my introduction to the field of sex therapy was in harm reduction, so all of my work is firmly rooted through this lens. Initially I volunteered and then worked in several harm reduction facilities in the city conducting outreach to homeless intravenous (IV) drug users, street prostitutes, and transgendered individuals. For example, I would go into Tomkins Square Park in the village and trade clean needles for old, dirty ones. I always wore an ID badge to make sure I wasn’t arrested. I would go into known prostitution areas and hand out fresh condoms to mitigate the chances of them contacting STDs. If they were ready for help, I’d bring them back to the facility and connect them with a benefits counselor who would assist them with getting sober and finding housing and any other necessities they needed.
According to psychologist Andrew Tatarsky at the Center for Optimal Living, harm reduction is “a philosophy and set of interventions that seek to reduce harmful consequences of substance use and other risky behaviors without requiring abstinence.” Without requiring abstinence? What is that about? I think an important point here, and one that many harm reduction theorists and practitioners would argue, is that abstinence doesn’t work for everyone. Or […]

By Michael Aaron|February 9th, 2015|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Sexuality and Censorship

Sexuality and Censorship

Earlier this month, UK anti-porn advocates won a monumental and far-reaching victory when the UK government passed the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014, in which a whole host of sexual acts are now banned from British porn, based on what the board deems as “content that is not acceptable.” I will get into the list of taboo acts in a moment, but first I think it is important to take a look at what this ruling means. In my opinion, it sets an extremely dangerous precedent, in which some third party or government body can effectively censor anything that they may subjectively object to, even if the material is consensual and harms no one.

Avant-garde Yugoslav film director Dusan Makavejev created films in the 1970s focusing on the intersection between government, society, and sexuality. In his work, he raised a critical eye towards authority and its desire, or more like incessant drive, to eradicate and suppress all freedom and dissent. For his efforts, he was persecuted and eventually blacklisted. As Makavejev so deftly shows in his films, the first line of suppression for any authoritarian government is one of the key sources of our human creativity, inspiration, and personal sense of freedom– our sexuality. History shows that as soon as an authoritarian government rises to power, one of the first things to go is human sexual rights.

Take a look around at the world, and you can see for yourself the crackdown of human sexuality imposed by authoritarian and dictatorial regimes– Egypt’s gay community targeted by government crackdown http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/apr/17/egypt-gay-community-fears-government-crackdown , Russia’s institutional violence and discrimination towards gays http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/religious-right-leader-backs-russian-cra , Uganda’s anti-homosexuality legislation http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-29994678 , […]

By Michael Aaron|December 16th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Sexuality and Self Destructive Behavior

Sexuality and Self Destructive Behavior

I’ve written many times before about all of the wonderfully positive aspects of sexuality, but I cannot examine the totality of sexual experience without acknowledging that some individuals can and do use sexuality for destructive purposes. Often as clinicians, we will see these destructive acts in the form of self-destruction– risky sexual behaviors in which the individual can end up badly hurt, dead, or in jail. Often these destructive behaviors are compulsively performed in the face of, and even due to the threat, of these dangers. In other words, the danger itself is what makes the behavior so arousing. I don’t think it’s enough though to simply understand that self-destruction is arousing. That makes it seem like any other kind of fetish or sexual proclivity. Rather, I think the other salient point to understand about this behavior, is that the individual believes that they are worthy of self-destruction. In other words, the individual may be aroused by destruction (or the “death drive” as Freud called it), but for him to continue seeking self-destruction, he must believe that this is what he deserves. So, fundamentally, if we are to try and change this individual’s self-destructive behavior, we must seek to change his relationship to himself.

Destructive behaviors of any kind, whether they are sexual or not, usually if not always involve underlying aggression. And as I’ve discussed in numerous other posts, aggression is fueled by anger and rage. So, destruction of any kind is fueled by anger, which is a simple enough observation. But it becomes an important consideration to keep in mind when understanding destructive […]

By Michael Aaron|September 19th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|3 Comments

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Mindfulness and Sexuality

Mindfulness and Sexuality

One of the most important topics that I address with clients is the subject of mindfulness. To understand the importance of mindfulness, particularly when it comes to sexuality, let’s first take a look at what it is and what it isn’t. Many people confuse mindfulness with some sort of meditation practice, such as Zen or Vipassana. While it is true that meditation builds and fosters mindfulness, one can practice mindfulness without engaging in any of the meditative traditions. So what is mindfulness? It is defined as “the intentional, accepting and non-judgmental focus of one’s attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment.” This can occur within a meditative practice, or just throughout the day, as one observes oneself while at work, sitting on the train, eating, or engaging in interactions with others. The most important aspect of this kind of self-observation is acceptance and non-judgmentalness. I’ll say this once more, because it bears repeating. Acceptance. Non-judgmentalness.

What does this have to do with sexuality? Everything. Often when we find ourselves struggling with some aspect of our sexuality, what is actually going on is that we are fighting ourselves. What I mean is that sexual performance, sexual desire, sexual arousal, and so on, come naturally. We don’t have to think about it. It just happens. But when we are experiencing sexual difficulties, we may be pressing too hard, putting undue pressure and stress on results, tensing our pelvis and surrounding muscles, or just fighting off the natural emotions that arise. In other words, we are going against the current, and not allowing ourselves the experience […]

By Michael Aaron|August 23rd, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|2 Comments

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Why Thoughts, Feelings, and Fantasies Differ From Behavior

Why Thoughts, Feelings, and Fantasies Differ From Behavior

One of the biggest sources of confusion and alarm for clients is when they find themselves struggling with various sexual thoughts, feelings, or fantasies that feel foreign to them or add odds with their values. This is a significant source of distress for many individuals, and one that arises from a lack of understanding of how the human mind works. As a result, folks with these concerns may find themselves feeling out of control, fearful of their own desires, and self-identifying themselves as sex addicts. The good news is that sexual thoughts, feelings, and fantasies, now matter how outlandish, are often normal byproducts of the human mind, and rarely, if ever lead to acting out on them.

In my work with my clients, I often find that defusing some of the stigma around these internal sexual preoccupations helps to lighten the weight and pressure surrounding them. Often the biggest source of distress is not the fantasy itself, but the meaning that the individual ascribes to it. For more on the meaning of sexual fantasies, take a look here. Things may tend to feel more out of control if they seem monumental with importance, infused with pressure, and viewed as dangerous or pathological. For example, someone with chest pain may easily feel overwhelmed and out of control, fearing the worst case outcome of a heart attack, but will feel significant relief and sense of self-agency if he or she learns that the pain is merely heartburn. This is how our human mind works. When we fear and dread the worst, we are much more likely to […]

By Michael Aaron|August 17th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments