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Mindfulness and Sexuality

Mindfulness and Sexuality

One of the most important topics that I address with clients is the subject of mindfulness. To understand the importance of mindfulness, particularly when it comes to sexuality, let’s first take a look at what it is and what it isn’t. Many people confuse mindfulness with some sort of meditation practice, such as Zen or Vipassana. While it is true that meditation builds and fosters mindfulness, one can practice mindfulness without engaging in any of the meditative traditions. So what is mindfulness? It is defined as “the intentional, accepting and non-judgmental focus of one’s attention on the emotions, thoughts and sensations occurring in the present moment.” This can occur within a meditative practice, or just throughout the day, as one observes oneself while at work, sitting on the train, eating, or engaging in interactions with others. The most important aspect of this kind of self-observation is acceptance and non-judgmentalness. I’ll say this once more, because it bears repeating. Acceptance. Non-judgmentalness.

What does this have to do with sexuality? Everything. Often when we find ourselves struggling with some aspect of our sexuality, what is actually going on is that we are fighting ourselves. What I mean is that sexual performance, sexual desire, sexual arousal, and so on, come naturally. We don’t have to think about it. It just happens. But when we are experiencing sexual difficulties, we may be pressing too hard, putting undue pressure and stress on results, tensing our pelvis and surrounding muscles, or just fighting off the natural emotions that arise. In other words, we are going against the current, and not allowing ourselves the experience […]

By Michael Aaron|August 23rd, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|2 Comments

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Male Sexuality, Aggression and Porn

Male Sexuality, Aggression and Porn

I recently received a very interesting question from a writer for Women’s Health Magazine. She asked:
A new British study that found young adults describing a culture where men are pushing for anal sex from their female partners, even though they expect them not to enjoy it much. I was wondering why this behavior might be common, and how to better communicate with your partner about anal sex and how to deal if your partner is making you feel pressured.
My response:

Young men are pushing for anal sex because that is what they see in porn. They may not care if the woman enjoys it for similar reasons in that most porn is male-centric, often centering around themes of power and aggression.
If women feel pressured, they need to set clear boundaries and be able to communicate that their needs are an essential aspect of the experience. Young men often learn about sex through porn so their views about sex can be skewed.

I think this exchange is important enough to unpack because on the surface it appears that I am criticizing porn, but I think that my answer is far more nuanced and touches upon several very important issues. First, it is true that porn does not provide a realistic portrayal of the experience of sex. But porn is not education. It is entertainment. Just like action movies do not show realistic portrayals of the FBI, CIA or Secret Service. Porn is not supposed to be enlightening. It’s supposed to get people off, and that’s about it. If young people are learning how to have sex from porn, […]

By Michael Aaron|August 8th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Some Thoughts about TV Show Casting for Kinky Couples

Some Thoughts about TV Show Casting for Kinky Couples

I was recently contacted by a TV producer seeking kinky couples for a tv show set to premier next spring.

The email read:
We’re currently working with a major cable network on a television project that’s dedicated to highlighting the wildest, craziest and most unusual sexual fetishes out there and meeting the couples (or singles!) who believe that adding a little – or a lot – of spice in the bedroom is the best way to keep their sex lives fun and fresh! We’re looking for everyday couples (or singles) who have fully embraced a unique sexual fetish and have no intention of slowing down. If you’re ready to share your fetish with the world in the hopes of removing the stigma that often accompanies them, we want to hear from you!
I spoke with the producer over the phone to feel her out. First, she wanted to know if I could refer any of my clients, and I point blank turned that down because, as a matter of policy, I never involve my clients in media inquiries. Then she wanted to know if I could put out some feelers in the kink community to see if anyone would be interested in participating. She seemed to have her heart in the right place, explaining that they wanted to put kink in a positive light, and show how sexual experimentation can be (and is) used by couples to enhance relationships. But in the end, after conferring with other colleagues, I decided to pass on getting involved.

On one hand, I think this project, if done properly, could represent a […]

By Michael Aaron|July 21st, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Boundaries: The Most Important Part of a Relationship

Boundaries: The Most Important Part of a Relationship

Inevitably, when I work with couples that have long-standing problems in their relationship, I come across a litany of boundary issues strewn along the way starting from the very beginnings of the relationship. For more on why the beginnings of relationships are absolutely crucial, please click here. In this particular article, I want to focus on the very specific but essential topic of boundaries. Typically when people think of boundaries, they are actually thinking of cut-offs, or situations in which such a firm wall is put up that it literally cuts off all further communication or connection. For example, “Don’t call me after 9pm,” is a cutoff; the idea being that there will be absolutely no further phone contact after 9pm. Or “I’m so mad at you that I never want to speak to you again.” Again, I think it’s clear that statement is more of a cutoff than an example of appropriate boundary setting.

So what exactly are boundaries then? The way I see it, boundaries are guidelines that people put in place to allow them to enjoy their lives and relationships better. In this sense then, boundaries are built on internal values. So for example, if someone values his or her free time, then they will set boundaries on how many hours they are willing to work. If an individual values their time (and therefore promptness), they will place a boundary on people showing up on time to meetings and appointments. Again, boundaries are based on values. If we are not clear on our values, we will have absolutely no boundaries. If we don’t place […]

By Michael Aaron|June 9th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments

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The Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality

The Connection Between Attachment and Sexuality

One of the subjects that I have spoken on extensively on over the last few years is the topic of attachment. By attachment, I am referring to the style of interpersonal relating that we have learned and internalized from childhood experiences. According to decades of research, started by psychoanalyst John Bowlby and extended by Mary Ainsworth, among many others, psychologists have identified four main types of attachment styles- secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. The secure attachment style, prevalent in 65% of the population is marked by emotional stability and a childhood featuring stable and nurturing caregiving. Anxious/ambivalent attachment is characterized by obsessive preoccupations about the object of the intimate relationship and intense fear of abandonment. People with this attachment style typically have experienced inconsistent caregiving, and so have grown to feel unsafe in the stability of close relationships. Avoidant attachment is marked by the avoidance of intimacy, as well as of experiencing feeling and emotions. These folks have typically experienced more neglectful caregiving as kids. I will put aside the disorganized attachment for the moment, as it is not very common, and is typically a byproduct of more severe abuse.

At this point, I want to make an important note about what I mean by “intimacy.” I think sometimes folks get caught up in some kind of a rigid idea about what intimacy means, one that is cooked up in harlequin romance books, soap operas, and Hollywood Happy Endings. This involves the kind of romantic closeness, actually known as partner engagement, which involves the typical aspects of what we would all consider as deep and meaningful love making– the pillow talk, […]

By Michael Aaron|April 24th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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When Love and Lust are Split

When Love and Lust are Split

One of the most common concerns I come across as a therapist is in the difficulty many people experience in reconciling relationships (love) with sexuality (lust). Indeed, I would say that almost all sexual difficulties exist within the framework of relationships. Very few would seek out help if their sexual difficulty were not interfering with some aspect of an existing relationship or in the possibility of starting a new one. Whether is is dysfunction, compulsivity, or just an inability to get one’s needs met, all sexual issues become magnified under the microscope of romantic relationships.

Often, core emotions interfere with integrating one’s sexuality into the relationship. For example, fear or shame often prevents an individual from not only directly stating his or her needs and desires in the moment but may even lead to starting up a relationship under false pretenses. I’ve seen countless individuals trapped in an unfulfilling and unhappy life of their own doing because they were too ashamed to be open about their sexuality with their partners from the very beginning.

Sometimes the sexual desire is so shameful, that the individual has learned to compartmentalize it and only experience it in secrecy. As a result, that person splits the sexual desire from any emotions that are connected to other people and relationships. It is only safe to be enjoyed alone or with another individual from whom all emotional attachment is removed. In other words, the individual’s sexuality (lust) can only be shared with an objectified other. And never with a person with whom that individual has an emotional connection.

The famed sexologist Jack Morin […]

By Michael Aaron|April 7th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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How Do You Know if You are Ready to be in a Relationship?

How Do You Know if You are Ready to be in a Relationship?

This is an article I originally wrote for the dating website Singles Warehouse…

Let’s say you’ve been single for a while, or maybe you recently got out of a relationship and you are ready to start dating again. This time, you want the relationship to last, but how do you know that you are ready to begin something new and healthy?

Before hitting the dating scene, make sure you ask yourself the following three questions:

Do you feel like you have a full life?

Do you have a variety of friends and social events on your calendar? Do you have hobbies and activities that you feel passionate about? Do you feel like you have a purpose in your life? If so, chances are that you are more ready to include someone else in your happiness.

If, however, you are hoping that someone else will provide you with all these things, you may be sorely mistaken. Expecting someone else to make you happy places a ton of pressure and unrealistic expectations onto the relationship. This kind of one-sided dynamic rarely works out, often burdening the other partner and sending them running for the hills.

Do you like who you are?

This is similar to the previous question, but more internally focused. Answering this question requires brutal self-honesty, but it is very important to sort out. You can help yourself along by asking yourself the following questions. Do you usually feel upbeat and optimistic, or depressed and anxious? Do you feel that you deserve to be loved and in a relationship, or if someone were to show interest, would you wonder if […]

By Michael Aaron|March 11th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments

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When It Comes to Sex, It’s All About Intent

When It Comes to Sex, It’s All About Intent

As a therapist, I am often asked to differentiate between positive and healthy sexual behavior and that behavior which can be considered “pathological,” or unhealthy. The difference is often a very fine line, seeming vague and unclear to most observers. When it comes down to it, two different people can be engaged in the exact same behavior, but for two radically different reasons– one that enhances the person’s life and the other that undermines it. When trying to determine what is healthy or not when it comes to sex, what it often boils down to is intent.

By intent, I mean the purpose underlying the person’s actions. Is the sexual act creating pleasure and fulfillment in the lives of everyone involved, or is it coercive and manipulative, pleasing one person but exploiting or harming others? As an example, I recently did an interview with a magazine writer who was inquiring about the swinger subculture. The journalist wanted to know if it was a healthy activity for couples, and my answer, as is often the case, was… it depends. Has the couple discussed clearly what they expect from their encounter? Have they discussed hard limits and boundaries? Are they clear on why they are looking to open up the relationship? In that case, if everyone is on board and clear about what they want, then the experience may be positive and add fuel to their sexual relationship. However, it is also not uncommon for someone to drag the other person into a party under covert threat of the dissolution of the relationship if the other person […]

By Michael Aaron|March 3rd, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Couples: To Deepen Feelings– Show, Not Tell

Couples: To Deepen Feelings– Show, Not Tell

This is an older article I wrote a number of years ago. I thought it would an appropriate piece to resurrect for Valentine’s Day, especially in light of its message to show your sweetie through actions how much you care… Enjoy.

This piece of advice for couples falls solidly in the “Actions Speak Louder than Words” category.

When I work with couples, I often need to remind everyone that human relationships are based on feelings. Yes, we may have initially been attracted to someone based on looks, charm, confidence, or other attributes, but what keeps us connected to that person is how they make us feel. And those feelings are shaped based on the way that we are treated. Actions. When it comes to feelings, words often prove to be empty and hollow.

Sure it feels good to have someone say something flattering, but it won’t be sustained if that person’s actions are incongruent with their words. For example, if someone praises us for our intelligence but then acts in a condescending manner, those words are not only meaningless, but make the person seem untrustworthy. If someone praises our looks but then ignores us on a date, that person seems to be nothing but a fraud and liar.

So, with that in mind, I often tell my couples if you want to make the other person feel good, you have to “Show, not Tell.” Let’s take a look at how this can be applied immediately within the relationship. If one partner is feeling neglected or low on the other person’s list of priorities, instead of telling the hurt […]

By Michael Aaron|February 14th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments

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When Resentment Takes Hold of a Relationship

When Resentment Takes Hold of a Relationship

Often when I see troubled relationships, there really is no one true source of the problem. In other words, there isn’t one central issue that is undermining the relationship, but rather years and years of multiple troubles piled one on top of another. Trying to get at the root of the issue becomes almost untenable as mistrust, poor communication, and most importantly RESENTMENT cloud the picture and interfere with peeling away all those years of negative layers. Above and beyond all else, many couples’ most dire root problem is the resentment that they have built up for each other. This resentment prevents proper communication, undermines trust, prevents clarity and creates an environment of rage and despair. Whenever I hear that a couple is on-again/off-again, or has a “love/hate” relationship or “love each other, but can’t live together” or any other ridiculous cliche that is being bandied about, I can already state with a high degree of certitude that resentment is eating away at the relationship.

But where does this resentment come from? How is it created? And what can be done about it?

Resentment forms when one or both parties feel that their needs or expectations are not being met. For example, if one partner feels that they are always doing what the other person wants to do, then they will start to feel resentful if this issue is not addressed (see the previous article about Power Imbalances). Likewise, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, lack of sharing, and lack of understanding, perceived or real are all reasons for the formation of resentment. The key reasons […]

By Michael Aaron|February 10th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments