culture Archives - Page 2 of 3

Permalink Gallery
Demisexual? Sapiosexual? What’s in a Name?

Demisexual? Sapiosexual? What’s in a Name?

Another article making it’s way through the online and especially Twitterverse is this one entitled Young, Attractive, and Totally Not Into Having Sex http://www.wired.com/2015/02/demisexuality/?utm_source=digg&utm_medium=email . The article chronicles the way that some college co-eds self-identify sexually. One considers himself a “heteroromantic demisexual.” What the heck is a “demisexual?” Good question. According to the article, “most people who describe themselves as demisexual say they only rarely feel desire, and only in the context of a close relationship.” Conversely, “gray-asexuals (or gray-aces)” are different in that they “roam the gray area between absolute asexuality and a more typical level of interest.”

Demisexuals, gray-aces, according to these students, it mainly depends on the day. “So although labels are a big part of it, demisexuals and gray-aces don’t get too caught up in the lingo. They tend to be pretty comfortable with the idea they might change. A few months after that Friday at the outreach center, Genevieve realized she is more of an asexual than a gray-ace, and Sean now isn’t sure if he’s demi or ace. “Every single asexual I’ve met embraces fluidity—I might be gray or asexual or demisexual,” says Claudia, a 24-year-old student from Las Vegas. “Us aces are like: whatevs.””

Got those terms down? Well, that’s not it. There’s more. A colleague of mine asks– “a patient told me he’s seen over 120 girls on Tinder who define themselves as “sapiosexual. Any thoughts or experience with this?” According to Urban Dictionary (of course the most reliable source on these things– joke), http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sapiosexual , a sapiosexual is “one who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.” Apparently, sapiosexuality is […]

By Michael Aaron|March 9th, 2015|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

Permalink Gallery
BDSM or Abuse?

BDSM or Abuse?

Recently a new article by sex columnist Dan Savage trigged a lot of discussion and debate online, and I thought that the subject matter was important enough to also add another piece of commentary to the already crowded field. Basically, Savage answers a concerned mother whose 15 yr old son has been “watching sadistic porn- and ONLY sadistic porn- for a couple of years” and that “he thinks about this porn all the time-all day, every day- and fantasizes about doing sadistic things to the girls he dates.”

Savage then checks in with a bunch of experts including Canadian sex researcher Dr. James Cantor, who suggests that the woman’s son is a budding kinkster and any concerns that he could be the next Ted Bundy should be put to rest. Some other folks add their opinion, including a professional dominatrix who brings up the importance of “ethical sadism.”

I’ll leave the description of the column at that for the moment, and merely suggest that anyone who is interested in reading more go directly to the column here: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=21679058 . I think it’s well worth the read.

So what should we make of this mother’s concerns about her son’s use of violent porn? First, let me get some basics out of the way. As I’ve written in this blog before, there is absolutely no evidence that violent porn leads to acts of sexual violence. In fact, in the aggregate those countries that have legalized porn use have experienced an inversely correlated drop in sex crimes. Second, fantasies involving themes of seemingly sexual violence are not uncommon as I’ve written about here and here. […]

By Michael Aaron|February 23rd, 2015|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

Permalink Gallery
More on Working with Fetishes: Important Considerations

More on Working with Fetishes: Important Considerations

My earlier post about whether it is possible to eradicate fetishes appears to have struck a nerve, as I have heard from folks all over the world with their comments, questions, and requests for further information. I want to thank everyone for writing in– everyone’s communications have been very thoughtful and respectful, and it is really heartening to be able to reach so many in constructive dialogue.

As I read over the article however, I realize that, while pointing out what I believe to be inappropriate and unethical treatment, I do not go into any detail about what I do believe to be appropriate treatment protocols when someone is seeking help with a fetish. So, to address that gap, I’m going to go into some treatment protocols here in this particular post. It’s a lengthy and very broad topic, so I think this may very well turn into a series of postings, but I’ll see how it goes. For this article though, I’m just going to focus on initial steps (edit: as you’ll see, I found that laying down some groundwork of important initial considerations took up a lot of writing, so in this post, I am focusing on the groundwork, and I’ll talk about specific interventions in subsequent posts).

First, in the interest of disclosure, let me put it out there that I hold a sex-positive perspective. For more on what this means, you can take a look at my article about sex positivity here. Basically, I start out with the assumption that sexual behavior is neither inherently negative nor pathological unless shown to be otherwise. In other words, the meaning […]

By Michael Aaron|January 8th, 2015|Couples Therapy, Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

Permalink Gallery
Sexuality and Censorship

Sexuality and Censorship

Earlier this month, UK anti-porn advocates won a monumental and far-reaching victory when the UK government passed the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014, in which a whole host of sexual acts are now banned from British porn, based on what the board deems as “content that is not acceptable.” I will get into the list of taboo acts in a moment, but first I think it is important to take a look at what this ruling means. In my opinion, it sets an extremely dangerous precedent, in which some third party or government body can effectively censor anything that they may subjectively object to, even if the material is consensual and harms no one.

Avant-garde Yugoslav film director Dusan Makavejev created films in the 1970s focusing on the intersection between government, society, and sexuality. In his work, he raised a critical eye towards authority and its desire, or more like incessant drive, to eradicate and suppress all freedom and dissent. For his efforts, he was persecuted and eventually blacklisted. As Makavejev so deftly shows in his films, the first line of suppression for any authoritarian government is one of the key sources of our human creativity, inspiration, and personal sense of freedom– our sexuality. History shows that as soon as an authoritarian government rises to power, one of the first things to go is human sexual rights.

Take a look around at the world, and you can see for yourself the crackdown of human sexuality imposed by authoritarian and dictatorial regimes– Egypt’s gay community targeted by government crackdown http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/apr/17/egypt-gay-community-fears-government-crackdown , Russia’s institutional violence and discrimination towards gays http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/religious-right-leader-backs-russian-cra , Uganda’s anti-homosexuality legislation http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-29994678 , […]

By Michael Aaron|December 16th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

Permalink Gallery
Is it Possible to Eradicate a Fetish?

Is it Possible to Eradicate a Fetish?

In a recent post, I wrote about how the field of sexology is uneven in its application and rife with regional and individual biases, largely due to general sex phobia and a subsequent lack of empirical research within the field. Recently, a debate on the mailing list of one of the sexological organizations to which I belong touched again upon discrepancies within the field. The discussion in question concerned whether or not it is possible to eradicate a fetish. Most respondents were in agreement that, like a sexual orientation, eradicating a sexual fetish is not only not possible, but particularly in fetishes that cause no harm, even unethical.

One clinician, however, stated not only that eradicating a fetish is possible, but then went on to describe exactly how (he/she believes) it is done. The methodology described was so disturbing, however, that I felt it necessary to challenge the ideas presented and to present both his/her perspective as well as my response here on my blog as a cautionary tale to individuals who may have questions regarding their own sexuality so that the know what to avoid in therapy. I have eliminated any details that could reveal the identify of the other clinician.

Below is what the clinician wrote in support of fetish eradication. I am highlighting and italicizing the most objectionable aspects:
I don’t see a fetish as similar to sexual orientation – it is something that does reflect “something wrong”, and in my own experience, DOES respond to therapy! One issue is that sexual fetishes – paraphilias – typically involve sexual activity with something that does not provide the […]

By Michael Aaron|December 8th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|2 Comments

Permalink Gallery
Sexually “Deviant” Fantasies: A Concept Without Credibility

Sexually “Deviant” Fantasies: A Concept Without Credibility

As a member of numerous sexuality organizations, I’m often involved in a variety of conversations, both online and in-person, with colleagues in my field. The truth is, even amongst professionals, the field of sexology is still dominated by regional biases, rather than dispassionate science. For example, a sex therapist in New York City, where I practice, is probably going to hold a more tolerant view of a broad spectrum of sexual practices than a sex therapist in more conservative regions. I suppose this is something that would be obvious to most readers, but unfortunately, this lack of uniformity is a black mark on the field of sexology. Case in point, a cardiologist in New York is likely to have the same level of knowledge and theoretical background as a cardiologist in Biloxi, Mississippi. An opthalmologist in Seattle will probably agree on mostly everything with an opthalmologist in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That’s because these are medical practices ruled by scientific study. And sexology is a scientific discipline as well. But it is poorly funded, so there’s still a lot we don’t know about sexual practices from a scientific standpoint. As a result, sexology (and sex therapy) is still dominated by local mores, community standards, and personal prejudice.

As a case in point, I will briefly discuss an online conversation in one of the organizations I belong to. I don’t want to reveal anything too personal about anyone involved in the conversation, so I will just touch upon the main themes that I think are extremely important because they touch upon a major issue– the current state of the field of sexology […]

By Michael Aaron|October 13th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

Permalink Gallery
Male Sexuality, Aggression and Porn

Male Sexuality, Aggression and Porn

I recently received a very interesting question from a writer for Women’s Health Magazine. She asked:
A new British study that found young adults describing a culture where men are pushing for anal sex from their female partners, even though they expect them not to enjoy it much. I was wondering why this behavior might be common, and how to better communicate with your partner about anal sex and how to deal if your partner is making you feel pressured.
My response:

Young men are pushing for anal sex because that is what they see in porn. They may not care if the woman enjoys it for similar reasons in that most porn is male-centric, often centering around themes of power and aggression.
If women feel pressured, they need to set clear boundaries and be able to communicate that their needs are an essential aspect of the experience. Young men often learn about sex through porn so their views about sex can be skewed.

I think this exchange is important enough to unpack because on the surface it appears that I am criticizing porn, but I think that my answer is far more nuanced and touches upon several very important issues. First, it is true that porn does not provide a realistic portrayal of the experience of sex. But porn is not education. It is entertainment. Just like action movies do not show realistic portrayals of the FBI, CIA or Secret Service. Porn is not supposed to be enlightening. It’s supposed to get people off, and that’s about it. If young people are learning how to have sex from porn, […]

By Michael Aaron|August 8th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

Permalink Gallery
What is Social Justice and How Does It Apply to Sex Therapy?

What is Social Justice and How Does It Apply to Sex Therapy?

As I discussed in my previous post about an upcoming TV show, social justice is an important part of my mission and my work as a sex therapist. So what does social justice mean, and how exactly do I apply it in my sex therapy practice? First, let’s take a look at a definition of what social justice is. I found a good quote from Matthew Robinson, a Poli Sci professor, that pretty much sums up my own views on this issue:
Social justice is defined as “… promoting a just society by challenging injustice and valuing diversity.” It exists when “all people share a common humanity and therefore have a right to equitable treatment, support for their human rights, and a fair allocation of community resources.” In conditions of social justice, people are “not be discriminated against, nor their welfare and well-being constrained or prejudiced on the basis of gender, sexuality, religion, political affiliations, age, race, belief, disability, location, social class, socioeconomic circumstances, or other characteristic of background or group membership”
The key elements of this that resonate for me in my practice are: a) challenging injustice, b) valuing diversity, c) welfare nor well-being constrained or prejudiced based on gender, sexuality, etc…. As a practicing psychotherapist, I am sometimes concerned that social justice is not always appropriately observed in consulting rooms and I often speak out about this in my writings and lectures. Often, social injustice is perpetrated unwittingly through unnecessary pathologizing of non-normative, yet non-pathological manners of sexual expression and behaviors. I believe the good folks who do this mean well, they just don’t have enough […]

By Michael Aaron|July 28th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities|0 Comments

Permalink Gallery
Some Thoughts about TV Show Casting for Kinky Couples

Some Thoughts about TV Show Casting for Kinky Couples

I was recently contacted by a TV producer seeking kinky couples for a tv show set to premier next spring.

The email read:
We’re currently working with a major cable network on a television project that’s dedicated to highlighting the wildest, craziest and most unusual sexual fetishes out there and meeting the couples (or singles!) who believe that adding a little – or a lot – of spice in the bedroom is the best way to keep their sex lives fun and fresh! We’re looking for everyday couples (or singles) who have fully embraced a unique sexual fetish and have no intention of slowing down. If you’re ready to share your fetish with the world in the hopes of removing the stigma that often accompanies them, we want to hear from you!
I spoke with the producer over the phone to feel her out. First, she wanted to know if I could refer any of my clients, and I point blank turned that down because, as a matter of policy, I never involve my clients in media inquiries. Then she wanted to know if I could put out some feelers in the kink community to see if anyone would be interested in participating. She seemed to have her heart in the right place, explaining that they wanted to put kink in a positive light, and show how sexual experimentation can be (and is) used by couples to enhance relationships. But in the end, after conferring with other colleagues, I decided to pass on getting involved.

On one hand, I think this project, if done properly, could represent a […]

By Michael Aaron|July 21st, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

Permalink Gallery
What Does It Mean to Be “Sex Positive?”

What Does It Mean to Be “Sex Positive?”

Anyone surfing the net looking for sexual information will have probably encountered the term “sex-positive.” Individuals seeking therapists for sexual difficulties will also have inevitably read a therapist profile or bio which indicated that the clinician identified as sex positive. But what does this term mean, especially coming from a therapist?

I will offer a quote from sexologist Carol Queen to get the discussion going–
“Sex-positive, a term that’s coming into cultural awareness, isn’t a dippy love-child celebration of orgone – it’s a simple yet radical affirmation that we each grow our own passions on a different medium, that instead of having two or three or even half a dozen sexual orientations, we should be thinking in terms of millions. “Sex-positive” respects each of our unique sexual profiles, even as we acknowledge that some of us have been damaged by a culture that tries to eradicate sexual difference and possibility.
It’s the cultural philosophy that understands sexuality as a potentially positive force in one’s life, and it can, of course, be contrasted with sex-negativity, which sees sex as problematic, disruptive, dangerous. Sex-positivity allows for and in fact celebrates sexual diversity, differing desires and relationships structures, and individual choices based on consent.”
In my mind, being sex positive at its core means that one’s default position is that sex is natural, generally healthy in all its variations, and can be utilized positively in the service of personal growth and creativity. Now, that of course does not mean that sex can’t be used destructively, just that pathology is never the underlying assumption. For a distinction between the two, click here. (Cliffs Notes version– according to […]

By Michael Aaron|July 3rd, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments