bdsm Archives - Page 3 of 3 - Dr Michael Aaron

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Sexually “Deviant” Fantasies: A Concept Without Credibility

Sexually “Deviant” Fantasies: A Concept Without Credibility

As a member of numerous sexuality organizations, I’m often involved in a variety of conversations, both online and in-person, with colleagues in my field. The truth is, even amongst professionals, the field of sexology is still dominated by regional biases, rather than dispassionate science. For example, a sex therapist in New York City, where I practice, is probably going to hold a more tolerant view of a broad spectrum of sexual practices than a sex therapist in more conservative regions. I suppose this is something that would be obvious to most readers, but unfortunately, this lack of uniformity is a black mark on the field of sexology. Case in point, a cardiologist in New York is likely to have the same level of knowledge and theoretical background as a cardiologist in Biloxi, Mississippi. An opthalmologist in Seattle will probably agree on mostly everything with an opthalmologist in Tulsa, Oklahoma. That’s because these are medical practices ruled by scientific study. And sexology is a scientific discipline as well. But it is poorly funded, so there’s still a lot we don’t know about sexual practices from a scientific standpoint. As a result, sexology (and sex therapy) is still dominated by local mores, community standards, and personal prejudice.

As a case in point, I will briefly discuss an online conversation in one of the organizations I belong to. I don’t want to reveal anything too personal about anyone involved in the conversation, so I will just touch upon the main themes that I think are extremely important because they touch upon a major issue– the current state of the field of sexology […]

By Michael Aaron|October 13th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Some Thoughts about TV Show Casting for Kinky Couples

Some Thoughts about TV Show Casting for Kinky Couples

I was recently contacted by a TV producer seeking kinky couples for a tv show set to premier next spring.

The email read:
We’re currently working with a major cable network on a television project that’s dedicated to highlighting the wildest, craziest and most unusual sexual fetishes out there and meeting the couples (or singles!) who believe that adding a little – or a lot – of spice in the bedroom is the best way to keep their sex lives fun and fresh! We’re looking for everyday couples (or singles) who have fully embraced a unique sexual fetish and have no intention of slowing down. If you’re ready to share your fetish with the world in the hopes of removing the stigma that often accompanies them, we want to hear from you!
I spoke with the producer over the phone to feel her out. First, she wanted to know if I could refer any of my clients, and I point blank turned that down because, as a matter of policy, I never involve my clients in media inquiries. Then she wanted to know if I could put out some feelers in the kink community to see if anyone would be interested in participating. She seemed to have her heart in the right place, explaining that they wanted to put kink in a positive light, and show how sexual experimentation can be (and is) used by couples to enhance relationships. But in the end, after conferring with other colleagues, I decided to pass on getting involved.

On one hand, I think this project, if done properly, could represent a […]

By Michael Aaron|July 21st, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Marat/Sade: Some Thoughts on Social Change and Sexuality

Marat/Sade: Some Thoughts on Social Change and Sexuality

Over this past weekend, I was fortunate enough to see a new, more futuristic adaptation of the classic play Marat/Sade performed at the Players Theater in Greenwich Village. As I was watching, I was struck by the realization that many of the ideas as well as the main theme of the piece had much to do with my work as a sex therapist. And so I would like to put some of my thoughts down as a post on my blog, both as a means to clarify them and delve deeper in further exploration.

Marat/Sade originally premiered in West Berlin in 1964 and eventually won the Tony Award in 1966 for Best Play. It is set in the historical Charenton Asylum during the reign of Napoleon, and centers on a play staged within the asylum by the Marquis de Sade and using the asylum inmates as actors. The Marquis de Sade (from whom we have the term “sadism”) was held in the asylum after his arrest for the anonymous publication of Justine and other pornographic tracts. In real life, the director of the hospital did allow de Sade to stage plays within the asylum, often to a public audience. The particular play-within-a-play performed as Marat/Sade focuses on the life and assassination of Jean-Paul Marat, a radical journalist who goaded on the French Revolution, and was eventually assassinated by a member of a rival faction. As the play unfolds, the Marquis pops in now and then to add his commentary to the proceedings.

The central idea of the play is the juxtaposition and contrast between the philosophies of Marat and de Sade. […]

By Michael Aaron|June 16th, 2014|Sex and Culture, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration

The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration

Note: This article and subsequent articles about various aspects of power dynamics and kink within relationships is not meant as specific suggestions or clinical advice and is only meant as a psychological examination of diverse sexual behaviors.

In an earlier article, I talked about the psychologist Donald Mosher’s three types of sex– trance, role-play and partner engagement. In this article, I want to take a much closer look at the psychological aspects of the second category, role-play.

It is first important to understand what is meant by the term “role.” According to the dictionary definition, a role is a “characteristic and expected social behavior of an individual.” I think the key ideas here are that roles are implicitly social in context and are based on agreed-upon (social) expectations. Roles come in many guises. We all have interpersonal roles– such as mother, father, child, brother, sister, etc. We have work roles– supervisor, apprentice, etc. And we have many other contextual roles– breadwinner, caretaker, jokester, black sheep, villain and so on. The more roles we have, the more we can feel boxed in, living up to a multitude of social expectations. Often, we may find ourselves in a multitude of roles– father, brother, son, husband, breadwinner, boss, entrepreneur, and so on. Every single role foisted upon us (or that which we willingly take on) add another wall to our sense of possibilities and freedom.

Someone, for example, who is a a mother who also has a very demanding corporate job and is the breadwinner for the family would probably find it much more difficult to behave with a sense […]

By Michael Aaron|December 24th, 2013|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Ecstasy Through Surrender

Ecstasy Through Surrender

I’m sure that anyone reading this article has heard someone close to them say (or has said it him or herself) something like “I just need to let go.” As a therapist, I know that many of my clients can relate to that idea. Let’s face it though, in our modern society, it is very difficult to “just let go.” We are constantly driven by a myriad of pressures, both internal and external. The need to succeed, to compete with others for social status and gain, the need to pay bills, the need to save money, the need to raise kids, and so on and so on. It never ends.

But this constant need for striving has its own inherent risks and drawbacks. It leads to chronic anxiety, tension and depression. Success has its opportunity costs. Some of the most successful people in our society are also the ones with the most emotions and psychological difficulties.

I want to take a closer look at the concept of anxiety. At its root, there is a element of “holding on” that I think is a fundamental aspect of anxiety. When I ask highly anxious people about what they experience, they’ll often mention that their anxiety feels almost like a much-needed friend, as if it is their one last firm grasp on reality. That their anxiety helps them feel alive. And that if […]

By Michael Aaron|December 19th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Study: BDSM Linked to Better Mental Health

Study: BDSM Linked to Better Mental Health

This post is about a study that probably many of my readers are already aware of, but I wanted to bring it up again in order to take a closer look at what the findings may mean. About six months ago, a study entitled Psychological Characteristics appeared in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. The researchers, both psychologists from the Netherlands, sent out over 1300 questionnaires to two groups, one control group and the other one consisting of individuals self identified as kinky. The study found that not only are kinky people not mentally ill, but that they actually scored better on the following criteria– less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being. Higher subjective well-being– isn’t that what mental health is all about? The results of the study according to the researchers: We conclude that BDSM may be thought of as a recreational leisure, rather than the expression of psychopathological processes. The actual study can be found here.

These results should come as no surprise for keen students of sexology. In the past few years, there have probably been about a half dozen similar studies that have shown no correlation between kinky sex and pathology. None. And these were all very legitimate studies done by reputable researchers. I will track them all down and post them here when I get a chance. So stay tuned as I will be updating this article in the near future.

So then the question remains– if this study is accurate and BDSM practitioners have better well-being than non-kinky people, then […]

By Michael Aaron|December 12th, 2013|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Kinky Sex or Paraphilia?

Kinky Sex or Paraphilia?

Kinky Sex or Paraphilia? This was the title of a one-day conference sponsored by the New State Psychological Association which I attended about a week ago. The main presenters were Richard Krueger, a psychiatrist who was on the DSM 5 sexual and gender identity disorders workgroup, and Peggy Kleinplatz, a sex-positive activist psychologist from Canada. Dr. Krueger basically went over the main changes in the DSM 5– gender identity disorder is now gender dysphoria, premature ejaculation now is quantified as a male orgasm occurring 59 seconds or less once sex has begun– and so on. Dr. Kleinplatz gave her objections.

The main topic though was the changes in the DSM 5 regarding paraphlias. Paraphilia is a term created by psychoanalyst Wilhelm Stekel in the 1920s and consists of the latin roots “para”– above or beyond– and “philia”– love. So literally, paraphilia stands for love that is above or beyond the norm. We’re talking about stuff like sadomasochism, transvestism, fetishes. Stuff like that. Kinky stuff. This term was largely unknown for decades until it was popularized by sexologist John Money, who made a career of categorizing various paraphilias. Paraphilias made their official establishment debut in the DSM III in 1980. Even though paraphilias are not the same as fetishes, for all intents and purposes these terms are often used interchangeably.

For years, the psychiatric establishment viewed all of this kinky behavior as pathological. The DSM III basically stated that anyone who was into all this kink was mentally ill. The DSM IV in 1994 softened this stance a bit and stated that kinky sex was a mental illness […]

By Michael Aaron|October 15th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|2 Comments