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How Intense Emotions are Expressed in the Body

How Intense Emotions are Expressed in the Body

This post is another oldie but goodie. A bit psychoanalytic in nature, but well worth the read. Unresolved emotions often play havoc on our body, specifically on our sexuality. In this post, I will elaborate a little more about the ways that intense emotions, specifically unresolved rage can show themselves through the body and negatively affect sexual performance.

First, we need to understand how feelings are experienced. Feelings can be understood in three distinct ways- cognitively (“I know I am angry”); physically (“I feel a burning sensation in my temples”); and through an action/impulse (“I feel like punching this person”). Often individuals may find themselves dissociated from one or more, or even all three areas. For example, they may deny to themselves that they feel angry, but find themselves experiencing somatic problems such as headaches and stomachaches that cannot be medically accounted for. These individuals may somatize their emotions. In this way the anger may make itself felt in the body, without the individual recognizing the link.

Sometimes, the person may recognize that he or she feels anger, but may feel totally numb in the body. These individuals may have easy access to their cognitive functioning, and may engage in obsessive ruminations, but may be totally removed from experiencing physical embodiment.

I will elaborate on these various channels of emotional discharge in other postings, but for now I will focus on the role of the body in experiencing emotions. I propose that internal anger and rage may often only be accessed through the body by some individuals through activities designed to produce somatic experience. These may include body […]

By Michael Aaron|January 16th, 2014|Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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How to Keep Relationships Fresh and Exciting

How to Keep Relationships Fresh and Exciting

I was recently looking through some archives of some old articles I had written years ago. From time to time, I will use reuse some old material that readers of this blog may find helpful. I wrote the following piece for a relationship site a number of years ago, but it is still relevant today as ever. I hope you enjoy…..

The first few months of a promising relationship are always exciting, but inevitably even the best relationships start to slow down as they mature and start to feel like they are falling into a rut. You become habituated to the other person, no matter how interesting or sexy they are, and both of you start to give up to the grind of a daily routine.

Stop.

This will kill your relationship. The death-knell of any good relationship are the words dull, routine, or grind as opposed to fun, sexy, spontaneous, and exciting.

Remember this list of good words and bad words as a quick guide to see whether or if your relationship is on track:

Good Words Bad Words

Fun Boring

Sexy Plain

Spontaneous Routine

Exciting Dull

Get it?

So let’s introduce another concept that will lead to more fun, sexy, spontaneous and exciting times rather than boring, plan, routine, dull ones. Here’s the concept- ANTICIPATION.

This can be a running idea that lasts for the whole day, week, month or year. This is how it works: Put an idea into your partner’s head about something that is going […]

By Michael Aaron|January 7th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments

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The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration

The Use of Role-Play as a Means of Identity Exploration

Note: This article and subsequent articles about various aspects of power dynamics and kink within relationships is not meant as specific suggestions or clinical advice and is only meant as a psychological examination of diverse sexual behaviors.

In an earlier article, I talked about the psychologist Donald Mosher’s three types of sex– trance, role-play and partner engagement. In this article, I want to take a much closer look at the psychological aspects of the second category, role-play.

It is first important to understand what is meant by the term “role.” According to the dictionary definition, a role is a “characteristic and expected social behavior of an individual.” I think the key ideas here are that roles are implicitly social in context and are based on agreed-upon (social) expectations. Roles come in many guises. We all have interpersonal roles– such as mother, father, child, brother, sister, etc. We have work roles– supervisor, apprentice, etc. And we have many other contextual roles– breadwinner, caretaker, jokester, black sheep, villain and so on. The more roles we have, the more we can feel boxed in, living up to a multitude of social expectations. Often, we may find ourselves in a multitude of roles– father, brother, son, husband, breadwinner, boss, entrepreneur, and so on. Every single role foisted upon us (or that which we willingly take on) add another wall to our sense of possibilities and freedom.

Someone, for example, who is a a mother who also has a very demanding corporate job and is the breadwinner for the family would probably find it much more difficult to behave with a sense […]

By Michael Aaron|December 24th, 2013|Sex and Culture, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Ecstasy Through Surrender

Ecstasy Through Surrender

I’m sure that anyone reading this article has heard someone close to them say (or has said it him or herself) something like “I just need to let go.” As a therapist, I know that many of my clients can relate to that idea. Let’s face it though, in our modern society, it is very difficult to “just let go.” We are constantly driven by a myriad of pressures, both internal and external. The need to succeed, to compete with others for social status and gain, the need to pay bills, the need to save money, the need to raise kids, and so on and so on. It never ends.

But this constant need for striving has its own inherent risks and drawbacks. It leads to chronic anxiety, tension and depression. Success has its opportunity costs. Some of the most successful people in our society are also the ones with the most emotions and psychological difficulties.

I want to take a closer look at the concept of anxiety. At its root, there is a element of “holding on” that I think is a fundamental aspect of anxiety. When I ask highly anxious people about what they experience, they’ll often mention that their anxiety feels almost like a much-needed friend, as if it is their one last firm grasp on reality. That their anxiety helps them feel alive. And that if […]

By Michael Aaron|December 19th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Study: BDSM Linked to Better Mental Health

Study: BDSM Linked to Better Mental Health

This post is about a study that probably many of my readers are already aware of, but I wanted to bring it up again in order to take a closer look at what the findings may mean. About six months ago, a study entitled Psychological Characteristics appeared in The Journal of Sexual Medicine. The researchers, both psychologists from the Netherlands, sent out over 1300 questionnaires to two groups, one control group and the other one consisting of individuals self identified as kinky. The study found that not only are kinky people not mentally ill, but that they actually scored better on the following criteria– less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, and had higher subjective well-being. Higher subjective well-being– isn’t that what mental health is all about? The results of the study according to the researchers: We conclude that BDSM may be thought of as a recreational leisure, rather than the expression of psychopathological processes. The actual study can be found here.

These results should come as no surprise for keen students of sexology. In the past few years, there have probably been about a half dozen similar studies that have shown no correlation between kinky sex and pathology. None. And these were all very legitimate studies done by reputable researchers. I will track them all down and post them here when I get a chance. So stay tuned as I will be updating this article in the near future.

So then the question remains– if this study is accurate and BDSM practitioners have better well-being than non-kinky people, then […]

By Michael Aaron|December 12th, 2013|Sex and Culture, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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How Power is Expressed in Relationships

How Power is Expressed in Relationships

In the previous article, I discussed the existence of power in relationships. In this article, I will describe how this power is often expressed. For the sake of simplicity, I will categorize power into two dimensions and four distinct groups. The two dimensions of power are aggression and control, both of which I would argue are key components of power. Think about it- someone who is in power has more control over a situation than someone who doesn’t, and so more authority to also use aggression.

Let’s take a look at the aggression dimension first. It consists of two groupings– direct and indirect. Direct refers to overt aggression, both physical and verbal, and clear action and intent. In other words, it is clearly visible. That doesn’t mean that power itself is overt, just the usage. Someone can verbally abuse someone, for example, without either party acknowledging that the aggression could only exist in a an environment of power disparity. Indirect power is less obvious and often invisible. It is usually covert by definition. A perfect example of this is what people refer to when they call someone passive-aggressive, which refers to the use of aggression by withholding or doing something behind someone’s awareness.

As mentioned, the second dimension of power is control. This dimension can also be broken into two separate groupings– internal and external. Internal control is what people think of when they refer to the term “dominance.” Although dominance is often confused with its counterpart, domineering–which I will explore next– to describe someone who is abusive, it actually has a quite different meaning. In this […]

By Michael Aaron|December 3rd, 2013|Couples Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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The Role of Power in Relationships

The Role of Power in Relationships

I wanted to take a moment to address an issue that often comes up in couples work when two people are in conflict and trying to assert their needs. When we want to influence another person, what we are in effect doing is attempting to exert some power over that individual. In this context, power doesn’t necessarily mean something ominous or threatening. There are many meanings and possible sources of power. For example, passion can be a source of power. The righteousness of a cause can be its power. Confidence is power. So when a couple is mired in conflict– when they are desperately trying to get their way or be right or prove the other person wrong– what it often comes down to is a power struggle. When two people are arguing about doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, what they are often trying to decide is “Who is more powerful in the relationship?”

Power is a basic component of any relationship. Think about the relationships in your own life. When you were a child, who had the power in the parent-child relationship? At your work when you interact with your boss, who has the power? If you are now a parent, who has the power in your relationship with your children? We’ve all been students at one time or another: As a student who had the power in your relationship with your teacher/professor? Love relationships do not escape this dynamic. Lovers can say that they are completely equal, but to do so requires a mindful awareness of the role of power.

For […]

By Michael Aaron|November 12th, 2013|Couples Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Facing Your Shadow

Facing Your Shadow

Last week I had a discussion with a colleague about why Halloween was such a popular holiday, even amongst adults. My theory is that for many folks, Halloween is the only time of the year that it is socially sanctioned to get in touch with one’s “shadow.” By shadow, I mean the term used by psychoanalyst Carl Jung to refer to the unconscious aspect of oneself that the ego does not identify with. In other words, the shadow is everything about ourselves– our rage, lust, envy, hatred, and greed– that we want to disown. It is the monster within. And it exists in all of us. When we dress up as goblins and monsters on Halloween, we can parade around as Mr. Hyde at least for one day of the year and the world supports that. The next day, we are back to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde gets locked in the closet.

The problem is that the shadow is still always with us– it can never be fully disowned. It will come out every now and then, even if we are not consciously aware of it, and wreak havoc on our psychological and emotional lives. Often the suppression of the shadow creates intense internal conflict in the form of depression, anxiety, and self-defeating behaviors. It often feels unbearable for people to come to terms with their hatred of a parent or their anger at a child. Instead, it all gets pushed down into the unconscious, bubbling to the surface at inopportune times. One of the most important articles I read as required reading in […]

By Michael Aaron|November 4th, 2013|Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Three Types of Sex

Three Types of Sex

Often in my practice I see clients who may feel a combination of shame, guilt and confusion about their sexual interests and preferences. When working with such a client, I find it very helpful to use a very powerful model developed by psychologist Donald Mosher to describe the various types of sexual styles to my client. This model, which categorizes three main styles of sexual interactions, often helps clients to normalize and destigmatize their behavior.

In Mosher’s model, the first style of sexual interaction is called “Sexual Trance.” This refers to sex that is purely physical in nature. All (or most) emotions are removed and the sex doesn’t signify anything beyond pleasurable friction of genitals. Mosher refers to this as a trance because partners are mostly emotionally disconnected and preoccupied with their own pleasure.

The second style is “Role Play.” This style is actually what it sounds like. This type of sex involves a high degree of creativity and exploration. It involves an strong level of identity testing and formation and may often feel very psychologically intense for both partners, which often feels very intimate and bonding for both. This style of sex is a great example of the way in which sexuality and psychology can be fused. This style however may include less emotional involvement than the third stage because folks may often be working things out and so be more preoccupied with their self-needs within this style.

The third style is “Partner Engagement.” This is the kind of sensual love-making, pillow-talking and eye-gazing that people often think of when they talk about intimacy. This style […]

By Michael Aaron|October 29th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Is Sexual Compulsivity an Addiction?

Is Sexual Compulsivity an Addiction?

My colleague, Dr. Crocker, and I have given numerous presentations on the subject of sexual compulsivity and sex addiction. Whether sex addiction is a real disorder is a hotly debated topic, and just recently an effort to include sex addiction (hypersexual disorder) in the DSM 5 was rejected. I will save more complex thoughts on this topic for another post, but suffice it to say, many of the folks who seek treatment are not really sexually compulsive, they are just shamed up or have other motives for self-defining themselves as addicts. Yes, others really are compulsive and I have expertise in helping them out.

But here’s what really got me excited about writing a post– Dr. Crocker just completed a study about sexually compulsive folks that I feel is one of the most groundbreaking research projects ever in this area and once published will surely establish him in psychology as a brilliant pioneer. So let me explain what this study is all about, how it was put together, and what it uncovered.

Dr. Crocker recruited a group of over 70 compulsive guys and administered a battery of psychological tests to gauge levels of compulsivity, attachment style and childhood trauma. The tests were self-administered online and then the results were calculated with advanced statistical programs.

The results were stunning. The study found a high degree of statistical correlation between sexual compulsivity and avoidant attachment style. To understand what that means, it is important for me to provide a brief description of what attachment theory is all about. Pioneered by John Bowlby, the field of attachment studies the relationship […]

By Michael Aaron|October 23rd, 2013|Sex Addiction|0 Comments