September 2014 - Dr Michael Aaron

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Some Additional Thoughts on Anger: The Three-Headed Monster

Some Additional Thoughts on Anger: The Three-Headed Monster

In numerous previous posts, I have gone into extensive length in discussing anger. For most of us, anger is such an uncomfortable emotion, that we have found elegant solutions to manage it, tolerate it, and push it away from our awareness. Unfortunately these defensive maneuvers, although at one time may have worked, often create more pain and suffering than benefit for us. Let’s take a look at the three most common strategies that people typically have found to manage anger along with the negative consequences that result from these strategies.

The first and most common strategy is called deflection. This is the typical “kick the dog” when you’re angry strategy. In other words, this is when we focus our anger on someone else, rather than the actual source of the anger, because this other entity is either more vulnerable in some way or just plainly a more easy target. So, for example, if a boss or supervisor has enraged the individual, it is far easier to take out the anger at home with one’s family, which is usually a captive audience, rather than deal with direct conflict at work, which may have unknown and terrifying consequences. When we are angry at someone and we have no idea why, it may be helpful to take a look at deflection as a potential culprit.

Second is projection. If it is too uncomfortable for us to tolerate the anger, we may project it unto another person, which means that instead of being aware of our anger, we instead believe that someone is angry at us. In essence, the end result of […]

By Michael Aaron|September 25th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|0 Comments

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Sexuality and Self Destructive Behavior

Sexuality and Self Destructive Behavior

I’ve written many times before about all of the wonderfully positive aspects of sexuality, but I cannot examine the totality of sexual experience without acknowledging that some individuals can and do use sexuality for destructive purposes. Often as clinicians, we will see these destructive acts in the form of self-destruction– risky sexual behaviors in which the individual can end up badly hurt, dead, or in jail. Often these destructive behaviors are compulsively performed in the face of, and even due to the threat, of these dangers. In other words, the danger itself is what makes the behavior so arousing. I don’t think it’s enough though to simply understand that self-destruction is arousing. That makes it seem like any other kind of fetish or sexual proclivity. Rather, I think the other salient point to understand about this behavior, is that the individual believes that they are worthy of self-destruction. In other words, the individual may be aroused by destruction (or the “death drive” as Freud called it), but for him to continue seeking self-destruction, he must believe that this is what he deserves. So, fundamentally, if we are to try and change this individual’s self-destructive behavior, we must seek to change his relationship to himself.

Destructive behaviors of any kind, whether they are sexual or not, usually if not always involve underlying aggression. And as I’ve discussed in numerous other posts, aggression is fueled by anger and rage. So, destruction of any kind is fueled by anger, which is a simple enough observation. But it becomes an important consideration to keep in mind when understanding destructive […]

By Michael Aaron|September 19th, 2014|Sex Addiction, Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|3 Comments

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Is Couples Therapy Right For You?

Is Couples Therapy Right For You?

Deciding to see a couple’s therapist is never easy. It can bring up many painful and scary questions. For example, is going to see a therapist an admission that both I and my relationship are failures? What if couples therapy doesn’t work, will that mean the end of my relationship? And what if it does work, will that too push my relationship to the brink? Will I discover things that I am not ready to deal with? These are all normal and typical questions that folks may find themselves dealing with when pondering whether or not they should seek out the services of a couples therapist.

So, let’s talk about what someone can expect in couples therapy, when couples therapy makes sense, and when it can prove to be less than effective.

First, I think that any good couples therapist will help the couple to realize and understand dynamics within the relationship that can be undermining it. A couples therapist can act as a neutral facilitator to help couples overcome disagreements and impasses, embark on life transitions, and make important relationship decisions. Here are some specific instances where couples therapy can do a whole lot of good for a couple:

Resolving ineffective communication strategies
Resolving differences in expectations of and attitudes about the relationship
Resolving discrepancies in sexual desire and/or sexual interests
Deciding whether to make important life decisions, including whether or not to stay in the relationship
Overcoming infidelity and deceit

The common denominator in these situations is that a couple is so lost in the weeds, that they cannot step outside of the conflict or disagreement to see the bigger picture. This is why it can […]

By Michael Aaron|September 8th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments