February 2014 - Dr Michael Aaron

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What Role Does Anger Play in Sexual Dysfunctions?

What Role Does Anger Play in Sexual Dysfunctions?

Sexual dysfunction– whether an inability to achieve erection, premature ejaculation, pain or discomfort– afflicts millions of people around the world. Recent data suggests that about 30 million men in the US suffer with erectile dysfunction (ED), for example, and one in four of them are below the age of 40. While older guys are more likely to have some physical ailment, such as a cardiovascular condition, primarily contribute to the ED, for a large number of men, especially the younger guys, the ED stems primarily from a psychological and emotional issue. In my practice, I mainly see the younger guys struggling with ED, and for them, drugs such as Viagra and Cialis, while a miracle cure for older guys with health issues, do very little to solve their difficulties.

For the purpose of this article, I’m going to focus on ED, although the basic principles would apply for all the other kinds of sexual dysfunctions that people may experience. When we take a closer look at psychological or emotional issues, such obvious ones as anxiety and fear come to mind as likely contributors. Clearly, someone who is anxious about their performance and fearful of a shameful experience if the sex act doesn’t go well, is more likely to struggle with ED symptoms. But I would like to take a closer look at another problematic emotion that often gets overlooked– anger. Folks who regularly read this blog may recall a previous post where I detailed how anger (and its intense cousin, rage) can wreak havoc on the body. In this particular article, I would like the […]

By Michael Aaron|February 24th, 2014|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Couples: To Deepen Feelings– Show, Not Tell

Couples: To Deepen Feelings– Show, Not Tell

This is an older article I wrote a number of years ago. I thought it would an appropriate piece to resurrect for Valentine’s Day, especially in light of its message to show your sweetie through actions how much you care… Enjoy.

This piece of advice for couples falls solidly in the “Actions Speak Louder than Words” category.

When I work with couples, I often need to remind everyone that human relationships are based on feelings. Yes, we may have initially been attracted to someone based on looks, charm, confidence, or other attributes, but what keeps us connected to that person is how they make us feel. And those feelings are shaped based on the way that we are treated. Actions. When it comes to feelings, words often prove to be empty and hollow.

Sure it feels good to have someone say something flattering, but it won’t be sustained if that person’s actions are incongruent with their words. For example, if someone praises us for our intelligence but then acts in a condescending manner, those words are not only meaningless, but make the person seem untrustworthy. If someone praises our looks but then ignores us on a date, that person seems to be nothing but a fraud and liar.

So, with that in mind, I often tell my couples if you want to make the other person feel good, you have to “Show, not Tell.” Let’s take a look at how this can be applied immediately within the relationship. If one partner is feeling neglected or low on the other person’s list of priorities, instead of telling the hurt […]

By Michael Aaron|February 14th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments

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When Resentment Takes Hold of a Relationship

When Resentment Takes Hold of a Relationship

Often when I see troubled relationships, there really is no one true source of the problem. In other words, there isn’t one central issue that is undermining the relationship, but rather years and years of multiple troubles piled one on top of another. Trying to get at the root of the issue becomes almost untenable as mistrust, poor communication, and most importantly RESENTMENT cloud the picture and interfere with peeling away all those years of negative layers. Above and beyond all else, many couples’ most dire root problem is the resentment that they have built up for each other. This resentment prevents proper communication, undermines trust, prevents clarity and creates an environment of rage and despair. Whenever I hear that a couple is on-again/off-again, or has a “love/hate” relationship or “love each other, but can’t live together” or any other ridiculous cliche that is being bandied about, I can already state with a high degree of certitude that resentment is eating away at the relationship.

But where does this resentment come from? How is it created? And what can be done about it?

Resentment forms when one or both parties feel that their needs or expectations are not being met. For example, if one partner feels that they are always doing what the other person wants to do, then they will start to feel resentful if this issue is not addressed (see the previous article about Power Imbalances). Likewise, lack of sex, lack of intimacy, lack of sharing, and lack of understanding, perceived or real are all reasons for the formation of resentment. The key reasons […]

By Michael Aaron|February 10th, 2014|Couples Therapy|0 Comments

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The Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom

The Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom

When a couple comes in for treatment, I can often see behaviors that undermine the relationship within just a few minutes of speaking with the couple. Specifically, there are four distinct behaviors that spell doom for any relationship. In the first few sessions, I will usually explain these harmful behaviors and help the couple to catch themselves in the act.

In the previous post, the Triangular Theory of Love, I mentioned Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in research about marriages and relationships. In his years of research he has identified these four types of relationship behaviors (which he called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) and based on their presence, has been able to predict within 90% accuracy which relationship will succeed and which will fail. These behaviors all consist of ways that people react when dealt with adversity or conflict in the relationship. In other words, Gottman claims that it is not the underlying problem, but the ways that the couple reacts to the problem which determines the fate of the relationship. He found that all of these four behaviors were common in marriages that ended up in divorce.

The behaviors are:

1. Criticism- this is when one partner constantly criticizes the other and makes it personal. For example, instead of criticizing a mistake, the partner will attack the personality or character of the partner instead of just the action. This is most commonly a behavior trait of women.

2. Contempt- this is when the criticism gets particularly hostile, including name calling and cursing. This indicates a total lack of respect within the relationship.

3. Defensiveness- […]

By Michael Aaron|February 2nd, 2014|Couples Therapy|1 Comment