I wanted to take a moment to address an issue that often comes up in couples work when two people are in conflict and trying to assert their needs. When we want to influence another person, what we are in effect doing is attempting to exert some power over that individual. In this context, power doesn’t necessarily mean something ominous or threatening. There are many meanings and possible sources of power. For example, passion can be a source of power. The righteousness of a cause can be its power. Confidence is power. So when a couple is mired in conflict– when they are desperately trying to get their way or be right or prove the other person wrong– what it often comes down to is a power struggle. When two people are arguing about doing the dishes or taking out the garbage, what they are often trying to decide is “Who is more powerful in the relationship?”

Power is a basic component of any relationship. Think about the relationships in your own life. When you were a child, who had the power in the parent-child relationship? At your work when you interact with your boss, who has the power?  If you are now a parent, who has the power in your relationship with your children? We’ve all been students at one time or another: As a student who had the power in your relationship with your teacher/professor? Love relationships do not escape this dynamic. Lovers can say that they are completely equal, but to do so requires a mindful awareness of the role of power.

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