October 2013 - Dr Michael Aaron

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Three Types of Sex

Three Types of Sex

Often in my practice I see clients who may feel a combination of shame, guilt and confusion about their sexual interests and preferences. When working with such a client, I find it very helpful to use a very powerful model developed by psychologist Donald Mosher to describe the various types of sexual styles to my client. This model, which categorizes three main styles of sexual interactions, often helps clients to normalize and destigmatize their behavior.

In Mosher’s model, the first style of sexual interaction is called “Sexual Trance.” This refers to sex that is purely physical in nature. All (or most) emotions are removed and the sex doesn’t signify anything beyond pleasurable friction of genitals. Mosher refers to this as a trance because partners are mostly emotionally disconnected and preoccupied with their own pleasure.

The second style is “Role Play.” This style is actually what it sounds like. This type of sex involves a high degree of creativity and exploration. It involves an strong level of identity testing and formation and may often feel very psychologically intense for both partners, which often feels very intimate and bonding for both. This style of sex is a great example of the way in which sexuality and psychology can be fused. This style however may include less emotional involvement than the third stage because folks may often be working things out and so be more preoccupied with their self-needs within this style.

The third style is “Partner Engagement.” This is the kind of sensual love-making, pillow-talking and eye-gazing that people often think of when they talk about intimacy. This style […]

By Michael Aaron|October 29th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexuality and Psychology|1 Comment

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Is Sexual Compulsivity an Addiction?

Is Sexual Compulsivity an Addiction?

My colleague, Dr. Crocker, and I have given numerous presentations on the subject of sexual compulsivity and sex addiction. Whether sex addiction is a real disorder is a hotly debated topic, and just recently an effort to include sex addiction (hypersexual disorder) in the DSM 5 was rejected. I will save more complex thoughts on this topic for another post, but suffice it to say, many of the folks who seek treatment are not really sexually compulsive, they are just shamed up or have other motives for self-defining themselves as addicts. Yes, others really are compulsive and I have expertise in helping them out.

But here’s what really got me excited about writing a post– Dr. Crocker just completed a study about sexually compulsive folks that I feel is one of the most groundbreaking research projects ever in this area and once published will surely establish him in psychology as a brilliant pioneer. So let me explain what this study is all about, how it was put together, and what it uncovered.

Dr. Crocker recruited a group of over 70 compulsive guys and administered a battery of psychological tests to gauge levels of compulsivity, attachment style and childhood trauma. The tests were self-administered online and then the results were calculated with advanced statistical programs.

The results were stunning. The study found a high degree of statistical correlation between sexual compulsivity and avoidant attachment style. To understand what that means, it is important for me to provide a brief description of what attachment theory is all about. Pioneered by John Bowlby, the field of attachment studies the relationship […]

By Michael Aaron|October 23rd, 2013|Sex Addiction|0 Comments

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Kinky Sex or Paraphilia?

Kinky Sex or Paraphilia?

Kinky Sex or Paraphilia? This was the title of a one-day conference sponsored by the New State Psychological Association which I attended about a week ago. The main presenters were Richard Krueger, a psychiatrist who was on the DSM 5 sexual and gender identity disorders workgroup, and Peggy Kleinplatz, a sex-positive activist psychologist from Canada. Dr. Krueger basically went over the main changes in the DSM 5– gender identity disorder is now gender dysphoria, premature ejaculation now is quantified as a male orgasm occurring 59 seconds or less once sex has begun– and so on. Dr. Kleinplatz gave her objections.

The main topic though was the changes in the DSM 5 regarding paraphlias. Paraphilia is a term created by psychoanalyst Wilhelm Stekel in the 1920s and consists of the latin roots “para”– above or beyond– and “philia”– love. So literally, paraphilia stands for love that is above or beyond the norm. We’re talking about stuff like sadomasochism, transvestism, fetishes. Stuff like that. Kinky stuff. This term was largely unknown for decades until it was popularized by sexologist John Money, who made a career of categorizing various paraphilias. Paraphilias made their official establishment debut in the DSM III in 1980. Even though paraphilias are not the same as fetishes, for all intents and purposes these terms are often used interchangeably.

For years, the psychiatric establishment viewed all of this kinky behavior as pathological. The DSM III basically stated that anyone who was into all this kink was mentally ill. The DSM IV in 1994 softened this stance a bit and stated that kinky sex was a mental illness […]

By Michael Aaron|October 15th, 2013|Sex Therapy, Sexual Minorities, Sexuality and Psychology|2 Comments

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Sexual Selfishness is a Necessary Turn-On

Sexual Selfishness is a Necessary Turn-On

A lot of sexual advice out there urges us to be very mindful of the needs of our lovers, to be empathic, selfless and attuned. If we can only satisfy all of partner’s needs, good sex will take care of itself. It’s all nonsense. Sexuality actually requires a high degree of selfishness and ruthlessness to make it work. This is an issue that confuses many because it so goes against the grain of what we are taught about human relationships.

Yes, making a relationship work requires attunement. It requires selflessness. If we want to make our partner feel special, we may wake up early in the morning before them to make breakfast. To make them feel understood, we will listen with an empathic ear, ask questions, provide comfort. We make them feel valued when we remember important dates and anniversaries. We make sure to compromise in some ways and give in in other areas that are more important to the other person.

All of that needs to disappear in the bedroom.

People who struggle with sexual difficulties often find themselves preoccupied with the needs and thoughts of others. That is wonderful in most relationships. It’s a killer in the bedroom. There is probably nothing less arousing than having a partner who is constantly wondering if they are “doing things right.” There is equally nothing less arousing than a partner who is too afraid of asserting his or her sexual needs for fear of offending or hurting the other person. Sex is not for the timid.

Good sex occurs when both partners are focused on getting their needs met. […]

By Michael Aaron|October 1st, 2013|Couples Therapy, Sex Therapy|0 Comments